What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 08:52
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Would this be the day?
How can I decorate my house creatively?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She found it foreign!.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What is the best way to end a relationship with someone who has future plans with you?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I never cut or harmed myself..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why are FtM trans just another type of woman?
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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He knew the spot.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I said to her
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What did i know ?
We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
When she asked me how she looked .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She loved him until the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She wouldn,t have been !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So, i spoilt her more .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is soul school!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I have no regrets .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And i lived it daily.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My family never makes their pension either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im still living with it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other