Why do people with trauma easily recognize other people with trauma through eye contact?
08.06.2025 09:53
Dr. Sharon Martin's articles How To Be a Better Friend To Yourself and another article entitled The Power of Self-Love are two of my favorite writings of hers.
Based on how you worded your question, I'm guessing that you had one of those surprising and reassuring experiences when somebody noticed that you were troubled and expressed caring and concern for you.🙂
Especially trifling, inconsequential matters.
Is it true that LGB should drop T?
Toxic, selfish, deceptive, narcissistic, abusive people ALSO can't stand to see anybody else happy.
Because a lot of people have Munchausen Syndrome. They PRETEND to have traumas, cancer, and other types of problems just to GET attenion and SYMPATHY (and MONEY) from other people.
I know I'm no exception to that rule. I know they will never apologize. But I made sure that they knew WHY I was ENDING the relationship and WHAT THEY DID that I refuse to tolerate any longer.
Then they change the subject. (Usually back to something that involves THEMSELVES.)
THEN you're going to feel like you've been hit by a runaway freight train and MANGLED under all of those churning wheelsvGRINDING your soul to a bloody pulp
Don't Second-Guess yourself when those instincts or intuitions WARN you that the other person is a FAKER, a LIAR, a CHEATER, a DECEIVER.
Do you think cheating is that bad?
You will be very GRATEFUL for having that ENLIGHTENMENT.
Selfish people will see somebody else suffering and totally IGNORE it—because they DON'T care about anybody but THEMSELVES.
Suffering leaves indelible marks on a human being's face and the appearance of their body, and their body language.
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Seeking the validation of others will ALWAYS undermine yourself confidence.
That's NOT trauma.
Based on each person's individual natures, HOW they REACT to someone who is suffering will VARY.
Get toxic people OUT of your life as SOON as possible.
The types of people WHO WILL DO what you mentioned in your question about easily recognizing other people with trauma are often classified as Empathic people or Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).
That's why I encourage everyone here to read articles and responses on Quora—and other psychology blogs. Use this information to develop CHECKLISTS of Symptoms and Behaviors of Personality Disorders. This will help you to determine what kind of behavior someone else's subjecting you to that's causing you distress, confusion, and conflict.
I have a bad reputation and need help. What should I do?
You can look at somebody— and in the blink of an eye—tell that they are suffering and weighed down by emotional, physical, or psychological burdens.
AFTER I reminded them of what they said that was so insulting AND why it PROVED that they are a narcissistic, self-centered, gaslighter.
BUT they continue to PERSEVERE.
ANSWER: Because suffering is obvious to anyone who has Empathy and Compassion.
Attention-Seeking behavior amounts to Exhibitionism, Vanity, and a Self-Centered focus in life.
Those blog responses about people's real-life experiences will also teach you that abusers WILL NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for ANYTHING harmful that they say or do.
How do you go about getting invited to an orgy?
If something feels dangerous to you then listen to your instincts because: YOU ARE IN DANGER!
You made the MISTAKE of trusting the WRONG person.
If you IGNORE those WARNING SIGNALS —YOU'RE going to get MANGLED emotionally and psychologically.
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I keep learning that: Compassion makes me DENSE. As in Thick-As- Brick DENSE!
If I would have LISTENED to my instincts (which were ACCURATELY WARNING ME about somebody's true nature)—the problem would have ENDED quickly.
EVERYTHING seems to trigger these self-absorbed narcissists. All they do is rant and complain about minor annoyances that other people would just brush off and ignore.
Because their life has become such a MISERY they just want to disappear!
I've known all along this relationship was a one-way street. I do all the giving— they do 98% of the taking.
When somebody takes a problem that you're having; an adversity you're facing; or a trauma you're struggling to deal with— and they use it to mock you, ridicule you, and treat you as if what you're going through is IRRELEVANT—then you NEED to PAY ATTENTION to that DENIGRATION.
The only thing a psychiatrist knows is something they learned from a book. Those are just theories, NOT facts.
The reason WHY it's so difficult to figure out WHO is lying and WHO is telling the truth is because Deceptive People learn how to be very convincing actors.
They are TOO SELFISH to care about anyone else but THEMSELVES. But they are trying to make YOU feel sympathy for THEM so that YOU won't hold THEM accountable FOR THEIR CRUELTY TO YOU.
Mocking, ridiculing, and laughing at somebody else's distress and adversities is NOT compassionate.
They will hold themselves completely BLAMELESS for EVERYTHING they ever said or did TO ANYONE that was harmful.
REDIRECT all of the energy and emotions you are SQUANDERING on people who are NOT WORTHY OF YOUR REGARD.
Dismiss or Denigrate the difficulties/ adversities that a Compassionate Friend in your life is going through (one too many times) and you will learn very QUICKLY that: Every Relationship Has An Expiration Date.
Even if they HAVE, they're NOT supposed to be WASTING your TIME and MONEY during a session in their office talking about what THEY went through.
You will know if somebody is truly suffering when you get the impression that: if breathing was NOT an autonomic reflex— that person would just give up and choose NOT to breathe.
Do NOT allow yourself to be DECEIVED when they immediately say that THEIR problems are so overwhelming to them that they can't be bothered to worry about anybody else's problems.
When people keep taking a compassionate, helpful person for granted, (and trampling on their emotions when the helpful person is in DISTRESS,) you WILL reach a Point of No Return in your relationship with a kind and compassionate person.
If somebody has Compassion, Empathy, Sympathy, Understanding, and GENUINE Concern about other Human Beings—then the sight of somebody having difficulty of ANY kind will torment them.
Narcissistic abusers will do this WITHOUT HESITATION.
But this was the LAST TIME.
If you are a person who easily senses other people's traumas, sadness, struggles, and you find yourself being overwhelmed by that— then there is a lot of other information you can find online (and at the library) for FREE— which might be able to give you suggestions of how you can cope with that overwhelm
They will be angry; they will be depressed; they will be overwhelmed; they will be confused. They will be hurt and disillusioned in VERY POIGNANT WAYS. You can SEE and FEEL their suffering and inner turmoil when you look at their facial expressions and see their dejected body language.
I reminded this person of my constant compassion and support when I told them: “All Relationships Have Their Expiration Date— and you've just reached yours.
Toxic People will make absolutely certain that they do as much damage to a person as they can— just to ruin their day.
Even if somebody just says something to you perfunctorily— at least they responded.
They ASSUME that the kind, helpful person will ALWAYS have time to spend with them, and will ALWAYS be there to comfort them, encourage them, support them, and Empower them in various ways.
Their words and actions PROVE they have NO compassion for others.
There is no limit to the depths of this person's self-pity.
That's why anybody who has ACTUALLY Endured and Survived traumas will be VERY sympathetic to others who indicate that they are in DISTRESS.
Compassionate people will see somebody suffering and IMMEDIATELY reach out to try to let them know that someone cares, wants to help, is willing to understand, and listen, if they need to talk.
This person HAS to be the center of attention at ALL times. To do this, they subject other people to raging outbursts and ridiculously overly-dramatic behavior.
Because today was the last time I'm ever going to tolerate THAT kind of behavior from this person. Relationship OVER. I’m DONE!
Because people are going to try to exploit you so that they can get what they need. In the case of doctors, they will be happy to perpetrate Medical gas lighting or psychological gas lighting in order to get what they want from you which is money.
Honest therapists here on Quora, & elsewhere, will admit that the PATIENT is the one who has to do all of the hard work in order to heal and make progress in therapy.
The purpose of therapy is SUPPOSED to be giving the patient suggestions that the PATIENT can use to help them cope with problems so that their symptoms of mental illness or distress can be ameliorated.
EMPOWER yourself with KNOWLEDGE regarding Toxic Behavior and Toxic People.
By Saying and Doing things that are HARMFUL which undermine your self-confidence, your self-esteem, your sense of self-worth.
It's very difficult for the Human Spirit to SOAR like a balloon— if you've got somebody in your life TORPEDOING you by popping that balloon of happiness, positivity, or accomplishment in ways that make you PLUMMET into dejection, anger, despair, or self-doubt.
Most people who are LUCKY enough to have somebody who is GENUINELY concerned about them—take those people for granted.
Making jokes and flippant, sarcastic remarks reveal somebody's CONTEMPT for you.
If they are compassionate and caring by nature, Trauma Victims will WANT to do their UTMOST to try to HELP OTHERS and COMFORT THEM SOMEHOW.
Narcissistic abusers and gaslighters will ALWAYS BLAME the OTHER person for EVERYTHING.
Because they actually lived through it and are willing to help you solve your problems and offer you comfort.
I put up with other people's neediness and tumultuous behavior for FAR TOO LONG.
At times that wait becomes unbearable, yet Trauma Victims PERSEVERE. Because we DON'T want our enemies to defeat us.
People who are REAL Trauma Victims will have an APPROPRIATE demeanor when they're talking about what they've Endured and Survived.
Encounters with Toxic People will ALWAYS leave you feeling like what I just described.
So PAY ATTENTION when anything or ANYONE makes you feel deflated, depleted, or defeated.
Because THAT IS the weight of the burden that they are carrying inside of themselves.
You were trying to give somebody else “the benefit of the doubt.” Usually because you're being too compassionate and too empathetic. You're caring MORE about SOMEBODY ELSE'S ISSUES than you are caring about YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.
FATE has put me through relentless traumas and adversities. The only way I've ever been able to COPE with all of that is by trying to find meaning in it. By looking for the lessons that the toxic experience and those harmful people and situations have TAUGHT me. So that I can do my best to avoid turmoil in the future.
It's taken me a LONG TIME to find enough information about psychology and various disorders like narcissism, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, scapegoating, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and many other different types of Behavioral Abnormalities which has helped me to sort out what is TRUE and when people are acting in lying, deceptive ways.
That knowledge will end up becoming your SHIELD and your SWORD.
And DON'T take them for granted if they continue to be a part of your life.
And you are willing to settle for any little CRUMB of attention, affection, recognition or acknowledgment that you get from other people.
That's how you give someone who has betrayed you the PAYBACK that they deserve. Because they earned that type of a Payback.
Which leaves you feeling as if you are as consequential to them as an item on their To-Do list. Like: Feed the Dog. Take Out the Trash…
And they will do it without REMORSE.
Once THAT TRANSFORMATION starts happening, you're going to get LOTS Toxic People out of your life. 🦋
Once you are realize that you're GIVING TOO MUCH, and other people are TAKING too much FROM you— then you have to throttle it back and set a different pace for yourself. A pace that is slower, more cautious, more analytical, and MORE PROTECTIVE OF YOURSELF.
When somebody treats you with contempt— you need to make absolutely certain that you let them know that you were offended, the relationship is over, and you PROVE to them that they are IRRELEVANT to YOU.
The Sad Truth of the matter is, when someone is a victim of childhood abuse, neglect, and traumas (plus enduring and surviving traumas throughout the rest of their life,) this means that you are a SCAPEGOAT of your family.
If you ever manage to find a therapist who can do SOME of that for you, consider yourself lucky.
If you make the mistake of doing THAT, Toxic People will say something disparaging, and invalidating— so that you feel deflated (like a balloon that was just popped.)
They'll NEVER be happy for you if you share with them something that you're proud of like: an accomplishment you just achieved.
I have also found the writings of Dr. Sharon Martin which can be found on psychology today.com (and her own website) to be very compassionate and very helpful.
They will ALWAYS hold themselves completely BLAMELESS and ABSOLVE themselves even when you END a relationship and tell them to take a hike.
Like when you talk to somebody. They casually respond (acting distracted). Their demeanor, (plus WHAT they said— and HOW they said it— is: “Okay, I said something. Now I'm done. Next task!”
You don't need to discuss anything with a psychiatrist or therapist and get there approval of your diagnosis. That's just going to cost you a lot of money and waste a lot of time. You can evaluate your interactions with others and very accurately all by yourself.
Because you will constantly recognize their behavior as you're reading the articles. The descriptions of behaviors—and when someone tells you words a narcissist WILL SAY or what a gaslighter WILL SAY can HELP YOU recognize their toxic behavioral traits.
Hindsight is always 20/20.🤔
That's why I'm urging people to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
You DO NOT need a psychology degree in order to come to very ACCURATE conclusions that these people who are AGGRAVATING YOU actually have mental health issues.
Don't SETTLE for what you can get.
And if they really HATE you— they're going to make it their mission in life to ruin your entire life and destroy you in ANY way possible.
People who are TRULY traumatized are very reluctant to talk about their experiences because they are afraid of being ridiculed and not believed.
Due to the fact that the people who are SUPPOSED to love us, care about us, and treat us with respect DELIBERATELY CHOOSE to say and do HARMFUL things to us instead.
Because they are USING YOUR PAIN as a WEAPON to BLUDGEON you FURTHER and make you FEEL WORSE.
If you don't stand up for yourself CLEARLY and EMPHATICALLY —then you are NOT defending yourself and being your own Champion in life
THIS is the reason why the true-life stories on Quora are so VALUABLE:
When I chastise myself and tell myself I am being too harsh and judgmental— THEN I give someone another chance.
Because it will ALLEVIATE a lot of your CONFUSION and UNCERTAINTY that was causing you SELF-DOUBTS.
I just taught a narcissistic, gaslighting so-called “friend” THAT LESSON today.
Today was just another example— when I realized that I am so stubborn and hard-headed about being compassionate (as my default setting)— that I DO NOT DO ENOUGH to PROTECT myself from HARM!
“SORRY ” is the most USELESS word in ANY human language.
Make sure you express your appreciation to the person who reached out to you.
You might want to do some additional reading and research about Empaths by reading Dr. Judith Orloff's book The Empath's Survival Guide.
There will NOT be a smile on their face. They will most likely be frowning, grimacing in pain, or they will look overwhelmed, fed up, frustrated, or in despair.
USE that KNOWLEDGE to PROTECT and DEFEND YOURSELF.
THEN, no deceptive devious person can say you're imagining things, you're making things up, or you're not correct. Because you will have articles written by people with psychology degrees that CONFIRM that your evaluations are correct.
When that realization occurs: be very careful NOT to allow your incredulity, (OR THE SYMPATHY that they have EVOKED IN YOU) create self-doubts in your mind and in your heart.
You ACCIDENTALLY trusted a narcissistic abuser who will ALWAYS think that THEIR problems are WORSE than ANYBODY else's. Then they will proceed to denigrate, insult, invalidate, minimize, and ridicule other people's problems.
My realization today was this:
PAY ATTENTION to the DOUBTS that YOU are having about their HONESTY.
THEN you start developing NEW STANDARDS.
It's going to be very unlikely that you will find a therapist who went through similar ordeal that YOU'RE enduring.
If I would have listened to my instincts— which told me to AVOID that person in the future—then I would have NEVER been hurt by the same person over and over and over again.
KEEP them out of your life FOREVER.
Instincts are given to us for a REASON. When human beings IGNORE their instincts that's what starts a lot of TROUBLE that WE COULD HAVE AVOIDED if we would have just LISTENED to that inner intuition trying to keep us safe.
What I have found very LIBERATING is reading all of the true-life stories here on Quora. They teache me that I've been putting up with TOO MUCH toxic behavior from FAR TOO MANY people for WAY TOO LONG!
PRIORITIZE: Your needs. Your desires. Your goals. YOUR future
REMEMBER:
You HAVE to give people consequences for their actions and their words.
So, they will reach out to others— just like you noticed in your question.
Unfortunately, we ALL run into people who are very selfish, self-centered, cruel, vindictive, spiteful, mean, jealous, envious, and hateful.
BECAUSE: the ONLY REASON that a Trauma Victim can ever DISCERN for going through all of that HELL—is that: “Maybe I learned SOMETHING from that trauma/adversity that I can SHARE with somebody else to COMFORT them and help LESSEN that tormented person's burdens SOMEHOW.”
Feels pretty amazing when that happens; doesn't it?
What those kinds Toxic People DO is make life even MORE DIFFICULT and MORE MISERABLE for ANYONE who is SUFFERING.
Otherwise, it's a very definition of a one-sided relationship where one person is doing all/most the giving and the other person is doing all/most of the taking.
Because as soon as somebody denigrates, insults, minimizes, invalidates, trivializes, or DARES to tell you that “your trauma is not as bad as you THINK it is” then you KNOW with absolute certainty you have met an ENEMY.
Because it PROVES that they are getting great pleasure and perverse enjoyment out of YOUR SUFFERING and ANXIETY.
I'm saying that as a WARNING, so that other people will NOT make MY mistake of being TOO UNDERSTANDING of other people's faults, foibles, and questionable behavior.
PAY ATTENTION to those DOUBTS because THAT'S a WARNING SIGNAL.
My problem is: I have too much Sympathy and Compassion for people.
When Trauma Victims see somebody else suffering— they are looking at a mirror-image of their own suffering. Suffering that they are enduring presently, or suffering that they have endured in the past. (Sometimes, BOTH.)
What the Narcissistic Abuser who just said/did to you just PROVED to you that you are absolutely MEANINGLESS to them.
Because of the fact that they mocked my suffering and the adversity that I am going through. And they've done it MORE than once.
This person has MANY traits of Histrionic Personality Disorder and extreme narcissism.
Because those types of experiences and feelings are at the CENTER of EVERY trauma.
PEOPLE who have ACTUALLY Endured and Survived trauma, (no matter how bad it is, ) will ALWAYS reach out to try to help another person because they know how HORRIBLE it feels to be going through adversities ALONE (not having anybody in their life caring about THEM.)
If a Trauma Victim/Survivor DOES decide to TRUST YOU with such a Hurtful Secret— then they are putting themselves at Great Risk— because they are revealing something that will make them VERY VULNERABLE.
You will notice suffering in their body language immediately. Because the person will be walking very slowly, dejectedly, and with difficulty. They will seem very distracted, withdrawn, and troubled.
When I realize that I made a mistake— I realize that those words LISTENING TO YOUR BETTER JUDGMENT are so TRUE.
Some people call those instincts and intuitions: LISTENING TO OUR BETTER JUDGMENT.
That's vain, childish, Attention-Seeking behavior.
The outcome of how much you can help yourself— and others—depends on how much insight, enlightenment, self-awareness, honesty, courage, and analytical abilities that we possess based on what we've learned and been able to accept and confront SO FAR in our lives.
People who have TRULY Endured and Survived abuse, neglect, and traumas KNOW (with haunting clarity) what it feels like to be subjected to lots of different kinds of suffering.
That kind of behavior is cruel and narcissistic.
Friendships and Partnerships of ANY kind are ALWAYS supposed to be RECIPROCAL relationships that are Mutually Beneficial
Even when they're angry: you will see the Enduring Sadness in their face and in their posture. Because people who have had GENUINE TRAUMAS act as if the world is resting on their shoulders.
If something feels wrong to you— then it's WRONG FOR YOU.
Because the translation of what they said is: “I don't give a damn about you. . You are MEANINGLESS to me.”
They have NO REMORSE for their words and actions. They just made excuses—like all narcissists do— to justify their behavior and hold themself BLAMELESS.
That's why it's CRUCIAL for people who have actually Endured and Survived traumas to learn as much about narcissistic abuse as possible.
When you start CONFRONTING your traumatic past— and you begin working through all of the Toxic Fallout— you REALIZE that you have been SETTLING for FAR LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE in EVERY relationship you've ever had.
WHY?
Do your best to forget them, and move on with your life. Because you've wasted enough time on a person who BETRAYED YOU
People who are showing Compassion and Empathy to others SHOULD be more appreciated than they usually ARE.
The comments they make are usually one or two sentences long and have NO depth. The whole interaction action is PERFUNCTORY
Trauma Victims valiantly continue to Endure and Survive ARDUOUS TURMOIL that would crush somebody else.
Trauma Victims and Abuse Victims (and ANYBODY who is suffering from an emotional, psychological, or physical problem that is TORMENTING them) will seem like doing the simplest task requires more energy than it would take to lift an elephant high off the ground with your hands.
I learned that lesson again from a Gaslighting Narcissistic Abuser that I ENDED the relationship with today.
ANY kind of an interaction or relationship with another person needs to be RECIPROCAL for it to be Mutually Beneficial.
Trauma Victims KNOW all too VIVIDLY the ANGUISH that TRAUMAS CAN CAUSE.
Suffering and Trauma leaves someone looking exhausted, defeated, and frustrated.
The writings of Kristen Neff, who focuses her psychotherapy around Self-Compassion may also be helpful to learn coping techniques.
My advice is DON'T let ANYBODY or ANY situation in life TRAUMATIZE YOU FURTHER.
DON'T be deceived by that devious narcissistic trick!
People say “I'm sorry”— and they expect to be forgiven (or they assume that they ARE forgiven) BECAUSE they hold themselves COMPLETELY BLAMELESS for THEIR part in ANY conflict that THEY IGNITE.
Make people EARN your attention, Your respect, Your concern. Your TIME. Your ANYTHING.
I have showed this person nothing but kindness, sympathy, compassion, support for YEARS when they shared their troubles with me—subjecting me to their tumultuous histrionic melodrama.
Start recognizing this tendency in yourself and become determined to find people who will treat you with the kind of understanding and care that you actually deserve.
I'm urging you to listen to the advice that you get from the true-life stories of people who have actually Endured Survived traumas, abuse, gaslighting, scapegoating, and other ordeals.
LEARN as MUCH as you can so that you can develop powers of DISCERNMENT that will allow you to recognize FAKERS and DECEPTIVE PEOPLE more QUICKLY in order to PROTECT YOURSELF FROM HARM—and from wasting valuable time on people who are emotional vampires that drain your dry and leave your energy completed.
REDIRECT ALL OF YOUR emotions and energy and focus PRIORITIZING YOURSELF.
You will learn the Hard Way in life that there are people who exaggerate to create FAKE DRAMA. They will talk like their life is a daily soap opera and be overly-dramatic about everything.
They SELDOM say anything helpful or sympathetic when I (rarely) mention that I'm struggling with something.
I'm sure there are plenty of readers here on Quora who have experienced conversations that left you feeling what I just described.
Once you figure out that they are scam artists, then you notice every single flaw and Red Flag in their performances.